Dear Winners of a 2013 Silver Stamp,
Last year, the inaugural Silver Stamps hit the Internet like a shark-infested-tornado (there was really no name for it back then). Awards pundits quickly booked point spreads for the next Awkward and Probably Racist Make-Up Award, while the industry rushed to fill their scripts with more Dramatic Use of Fart Noises.
But the Silver Stamp is beholden to no tradition. These annual prizes are an elusive and evolving distinction bestowed on only the most deserving recipient. We may take their bribes, but they’ll never take away our freedom to do whatever the hell we want.
Enjoy.
The 2013 Awards
Best Film to Watch Alone in a Theatre – Blue is the Warmest Colour
Worst Film to Watch Alone in a Theatre – Evil Dead
Best Sexploitation Film of the Year – Spring Breakers
Worst Sexploitation Film of the Year – Machete Kills
Best Die Hard Movie of the Year – A Good Day to Die Hard Olympus Has Fallen
Worst Die Hard Movie of the Year – White House Down A Good Day to Die Hard
Most Fab-u-lous Performance of the Year – Michael Douglas in Behind the Candelabra
The Actor/Film of the Century Award, Sponsored by Will Smith – After Earth
Best Non-Space/Non-Sea-Based Stranded Performance of the Year – Ray Besharah in Thunderstorm: The Return of Thor
Scientific Breakthrough Award for Advancing the Art of Cinematic Storytelling – tie between Gravity and Sharknado
Evilest Fuckface You Want to Smash with a Hammer – Michael Fassbender in 12 Years a Slave
Armond White Award for Devaluing Film Criticism – Room 237
Most Shocking, Disturbing and Important Film of the Year – The Act of Killing
The 2nd Annual Roger Deakins Award for Excellence in Being Roger Deakins – Roger Deakins, Prisoners
Best Ryan Gosling Marketing Bait-and-Switch – The Place Beyond The Pines
Best Remake of Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang – Iron Man 3
Movie That Makes Us Optimistic For The New Star Wars Movies – Thor: The Dark World
Movie That Makes Us Pessimistic About The New Star Wars Movies – Star Trek Into Darkness
Worst Remake of Star Trek II: Wrath of Khan – Star Trek Into Darkness
Best Dialogue – All is Lost
Most Thrilling Slow-Motion Turn-Around While Holding a Giant Machine-Gun – Arnold Schwarzenegger, Escape Plan
Best Somali Hijacking Movie Not Starring Tom Hanks – A Hijacking
Best Mid-Century Modern Furniture – Oblivion
Best Example that Eastern European Films are Exactly Like You Remember Them in Film School – Living Images
Most Depressing Proof That Michael Bay’s Involvement Doesn’t Automatically Make a Movie God-Awful – Pain & Gain
Most Depressing Proof That Robot Suits Can’t Make a Movie Awesome – Elysium
Most Compelling Proof That Robot Suits Can Make a Movie Awesome – Pacific Rim
Alanis Morisette Irony Award for Canadian Film Redeemed by a Non-Canadian Lead – The Grand Seduction
The They’re-Still-Making-Movies-Where-People-Walk-Away-From-Explosions-All-Cool-Like? Really? Award – RED 2
Most Derided Film That Didn’t Quite Deserve All That Derision – Oz the Great and Powerful
Most Derided Film That Definitely Deserved All That Derision – Man of Steel
The Movie We’d Murder If All Laws Were Suspended For One Night Each Year – The Purge Man of Steel
Attack of the Clones Memorial Award for Worst Use of Digital Snap-Zooms – Man of Steel
The Friedrich Nietzsche Memorial Award for Muddying Waters to Make Them Appear Deep – Zack Snyder & Christopher Nolan, Man of Steel
Vilest Assault on the Legacy of Christopher Reeve – The Sport of Equestrian Man of Steel
Just The Worst – Man of Steel
Sincerely,
Dear Cast and Crew
My Blog 